writing

has been flowing like water, in it's own direction, uninhibited.

and it's good.

love

t.s.h.

friday and a song for you

and i'm glad.  

i'm working on some writing projects.  things are happening.  more soon on that topic.  maybe later this weekend, depending.

i'm also working on sewing projects.  spent last weekend cutting things out and prepping them... perhaps this weekend will be sewing interspersed with writing.  that actually sounds fabulous and i hope it really happens that way.  i also hope i do yoga.  i like yoga a lot and i always feel better after.  but somehow it's so hard to get up and take that first step toward actually doing it.  the continuing saga of my struggle against myself.

please listen to this song by eric ayotte.  it's called father nurture.  

love

t.s.h.

alexandros grigoropoulos

was a kid who was killed by cops in athens last december.

i wouldn't have gone to athens if he had never died.  the riots happened because of what happened to him- the collective outrage over his murder was the catalyst for widespread rioting that went on for weeks.  it all happened last winter.  and so i sat, last winter, at shot in the dark in tucson, supposed to be writing my thesis but distracted by all the youtube footage coming out of greece.  it was all the same time as when i was planning my trip to france and decided i should pick one more place to go, since i probably won't be heading to europe again anytime soon.  the riots were happening because alex died and so i picked greece.  

he was with a couple friends and a cop rolled by.  stories differ as to exactly what happened, but the basic outline is fairly consistent.  it's pretty rare that cops go into that part of athens (exarchia) and when the car rolled by, alex and his friends yelled and threw rocks at it.  the cops got out and one of them shot him.  and so alex died- some punk kid just like so many other punk kids i know.  with a sweet smile and a healthy mistrust of authority.    

i don't really have a point, i guess.  just looking at pics of alex and thinking about the kind of person he was and the significance of his death.  

i wish people would be nicer to each other.  

home

and now i'm back.  it's been awhile since my last post.  i've been away from the computer and internet access and have been immersing myself back into my life.  even though i was in town last year- i wasn't around much and didn't see folks often, so it feels like i was away for a year, even though i was really here all along. 

i'm happy to be back home in the desert sun with good friends and my beloved feline companions.  been re-involving myself with dry river, which has been awesome.  there are many amazing things that happened over the last year that i had nothing to do with and i've been delighting in the fact that the place keeps going, in it's organic and constantly evolving way. whenever folks step out for awhile, their absence is compensated for by new energy in the form of new folks getting involved and taking things on in their own way.  it's anarchy and it's a beautiful thing.  it's always riddled with the constant challenges inherent in human interaction, but with folks' love for the space, the community, and the symbolism of it all taking precedence over self-interest.    usually.    :)  

i started sewing, and that has been a very satisfying thing.  my mom is an amazing seamstress and always has some project going.  when i was a kid, she tried to teach me many different times and i wasn't a very good student.  but lately i just decided to dive in and learn- i have made some things i really like!  i think the secret to sewing is that a person has to be okay with making a lot of mistakes, going through the tedium of correcting them, and working through that process until something decent has been created.  and everything i make teaches me something new.  it's like anything else in life- the struggles and the process of making mistakes and correcting them teach us about ourselves and about how to do things differently in the future.  the seam-ripper is your friend.  both metaphorically and as a sewing tool.   

work, however, is a bit of a drag.  i started back two weeks ago.  i even have a job i like, but i feel myself growing increasingly resentful that 40 hours of my precious energy are dedicated to feeding the capitalist machine that i hate so much.  the folks who run my workplace do not have my respect and i don't like that they have authority over me.  i'm rather resentful of the whole situation, to be honest.  i'm trying to get over it- i enjoy the folks who i work with on a regular daily basis and that's the most important thing.  the people who run the place put in appearances periodically- i nod and smile and then go back to whatever i was doing.  really, i have it pretty good compared to lots of other job situations i've been in and i shouldn't complain.  but i do anyway.  such is the nature of my relationship to hierarchical power structures.

i'm a bit sad about not starting back to school myself this time around and feel rejected by the academy.  i know funding is tough all over and that i am one of many folks all over the united states who would have started (or continued) a grad program this year if only money were available.  i've been trying to not make it personal.  but there is still a bit of a sting there.  i feel like academia is really the only place where i fit- precisely because it is there that i can not fit and it will be okay.  i found the programs that suited me best and even was accepted to my two top choices.  but without money, it doesn't really matter.  i can only hope that things will be better next year and i'll be funded.  if i'm not funded next year- i think i'll put that dream aside for awhile and look elsewhere for my path.  it's a sad conclusion to come to- but the loan sharks are circling already and i can only keep them at bay for so long.  if i'm not in a phd program, eventually i'll have to do something to make some money or leave the country or something.   

i have many grad student friends who are gearing up to go back in the next week or two.  my situation is bittersweet- i'm happy for a break from the rigor of academic life and from the pressure of it all.  i think i'm still really struggling with how to be me in the face of the masculinized competitiveness of academia and i think this year will be good for me in terms of making my own way and contributing things on my own terms.  on the other hand- the pressure is a good motivator to produce quality work and i already miss the constant intellectual stimulus.  this last year i realized that i had many female friends in academia who feel the same way i do about the machismo side of it all.  and now i'm out of the loop.   

and so i'm back to my old life again.  some new perspective gained from time away.  i realized a lot of good things about life in the united states, particularly in the context of the radical movement, when i was away from it all.  we have a good thing going here and i want to dedicate my life to studying about it, learning from it, telling the world all about it, and hopefully leading more people to live outside this beastly machine that constantly threatens to devour us all with our own consumerism and helplessness.

love!

t.s.h.