Wednesday, November 11, 2009

writing is like throwing up

i've blogged with this title more than once.  but it really IS like throwing up, only it takes way longer and is in some ways more uncomfortable.  i finished a piece i've been working on for the last couple months.  and suddenly a great weight has been lifted.  it's really done.  well... it's not done done cuz i still have to do all those little finishing touch type things and it will be turned into a zine so i still have to do that and make copies and all that.  but the hardest part is over.  all that mental wrestling and worrying and trying to get the words right- that part is done.  i think now that perhaps my emotional strife of recent weeks is largely due to this writing project.  cuz suddenly i feel way better.

it's totally like throwing up.  i heave and some words come out on the page... i think i'm done, but there are still dry heaves happening- false starts and lots of staring at the screen doing nothing.  then another productive heave, then nothing for awhile.  and then, just like when you're done throwing up- you just sort of know that it's over.  you said what you had to say and it's all done now.  you can move on, brush your teeth, go back to bed, tomorrow's a new day.

thanks to the veterans, i had today off.  my paycheck is gonna suck, but i'm definitely enjoying today.



Sunday, November 8, 2009

the egg cracks

i am a complicated mess of conflicting emotion.  

i thought i was just angry.  turns out there was a lot more to it.

i reached a point sometime in the last couple years, where i'm realizing how messed up i am from my 32 years of being socialized to behave/think/feel in certain ways because i am female.  that's great.  i figured out that i've been lied to and manipulated my entire life.  so- now what?  once the egg cracks open, where does the baby bird go, if not back into the same frustrating world?

Saturday, November 7, 2009


makes me cranky.  but i know in the end it's for the best.  i don't even feel like i want to imbibe... i just know that normally i would and that the absence of all that is making me irritable.  i haven't smoked a cigarette in about 2 weeks, though.  that's pretty good.  my lungs feel happier.

and detoxing in other ways.  non chemical ways.  trying to figure out who to negotiate my way through the challenging maze of emotional confusion that is human socialization.  at least, human socialization as i know it.  i'm not good at faking things.  people really frustrate me and it's hard to let go of.  letting go of it all is exactly what i should be doing, though.  a long time ago it occurred to me that a person is not inherently annoying.  it isn't because there is something in them that makes them annoying to others around them.  it's that the others around them aren't able to control their annoyance and blame their own emotional reactions on the person who is the object of these emotions.  my frustration with humanity of late is the same thing.  it's not humanity's fault that i'm frustrated.  it's my fault for having unrealistic expectations and standards for the world, to the point that i am constantly frustrated by these standards not being met.  and then i'm not really any fun to be around either.  

so anyway, that's what's been going on with me.  feeling really frustrated with other people and with human beings in general.  when i was in europe, i walked every day and was in love with everything.  i came back to tucson feeling like it was where i belonged and that i had all this great stuff going on here.  these days i find myself questioning why i felt like i should be here at all.  

bleak.  whiney.  frustrated.  pretty lame, really.