Saturday, November 7, 2009


makes me cranky.  but i know in the end it's for the best.  i don't even feel like i want to imbibe... i just know that normally i would and that the absence of all that is making me irritable.  i haven't smoked a cigarette in about 2 weeks, though.  that's pretty good.  my lungs feel happier.

and detoxing in other ways.  non chemical ways.  trying to figure out who to negotiate my way through the challenging maze of emotional confusion that is human socialization.  at least, human socialization as i know it.  i'm not good at faking things.  people really frustrate me and it's hard to let go of.  letting go of it all is exactly what i should be doing, though.  a long time ago it occurred to me that a person is not inherently annoying.  it isn't because there is something in them that makes them annoying to others around them.  it's that the others around them aren't able to control their annoyance and blame their own emotional reactions on the person who is the object of these emotions.  my frustration with humanity of late is the same thing.  it's not humanity's fault that i'm frustrated.  it's my fault for having unrealistic expectations and standards for the world, to the point that i am constantly frustrated by these standards not being met.  and then i'm not really any fun to be around either.  

so anyway, that's what's been going on with me.  feeling really frustrated with other people and with human beings in general.  when i was in europe, i walked every day and was in love with everything.  i came back to tucson feeling like it was where i belonged and that i had all this great stuff going on here.  these days i find myself questioning why i felt like i should be here at all.  

bleak.  whiney.  frustrated.  pretty lame, really.  

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