i'm not going to do this anymore and i can't find a way to delete the account. most likely there is no way and it's because this is a google thing that stores everything forever. i think you should be able to delete whatever you want out here on the internet, but they didn't ask me.
i'm doing other things now, more real time things that are way more satisfying than this.
have a nice day, thanks for reading and caring about me.
on the one hand, i want to be back in school, i think it is the place for me.
on the other hand, school takes up a lot of time and energy and it's much more fun to be involved in things rather than just reading about them. so maybe if i can't go to school, it will be better and i can still do what i want to do outside of the dayjob life.
so really either way it will be okay. i just have to keep writing. as long as i keep writing, something good will happen.
i just want to go to school. i don't know why, i just have always had a sense that it's the place for me. but only people with money get to go to school. if you don't have the money, someone has to give it to you. if no one gives you the money, you don't get to go.
and then supposedly, academia is some vast storehouse of knowledge, where intellectuals congregate and work to contribute to bodies of knowledge out there in the world.
but only certain people are involved in that. not everyone gets to be a part of it. it doesn't matter how intelligent you are, how important you (i) feel your (my) ideas are, it doesn't matter if your heart tells you that you have something for the world to hear. if you don't have money, you can't go to school.
stupid capitalist system.
stupid patriarchal competitive institution.
stupid me who thinks it's worth something and important in the first place.
i'm looking for submissions to a zine about life in patriarchal society. stories, rants, essays, poetry, artwork, whatever you want to do. deadline is 2/1/10. tell yer friends!
if you want to submit something- please have it zine ready. landscape page format (so that the long sides of the page are the top and bottom), 1/2 sheets, wide margins.
folks keep asking me- what do you want? what's it going to be like? the answer is that i don't know. i have no idea until it's all before me and done. when i organize other people, i consciously try not to control them. i lay the framework, get some foundation down to allow everyone else's creativity to shine. then i step back, wait to see what comes, and something beautiful and unique is invariably born. my favorite projects are those that i have the least to do with. all i know is this- lots of people struggle with our patriarchal society and lots of people want to be free. but it's hard. we're alienated from one another, afraid to talk to one another, we feel powerless and alone. so i decided to put out a call for submissions and see what happens. so far it's been good. i've had feedback from many people, local and in far away american places- many are really excited that this project is underway and many are planning to submit or already have. how about you?
email it to me: firstname.lastname@example.org. or contact me that way so we can work off a handoff/mailing address if it's not something you can email.
free radio chukshon is now on 103.3 fm in tucson. now all of tucson can hear it. it's on from 4-midnight, mon. thru sat. 4-9 on sundays. check it out! you can also listen online at www.freeradiochukshon.org.
my head is clearing, little by little and i have an insane and unprecedented abundance of creative energy. it was very stifled before. my eyes are opening up as the fog clears.
watched a great documentary on charles bukowski and have gained a lot of inspiration from learning about him. he worked hard every day and wrote every night. he was also a misogynistic drunk- but the documentary put all that in perspective and conveyed how he was very human. anyway- the bit about how hard he worked at his day job and how he did his writing all the rest of the time hit home. it's where i've been for a long time. writing and creating on the weekends and evenings. sometimes i'm too tired for it- but i need to keep going anyway. there's fire inside me and i have to keep feeding it. the flames of creativity.
i had an intense dream a few nights ago. i woke up in the middle of the night and knew it was important that i remember it all, so i told it to my cat and instructed him not to let me forget. the dream was about how it doesn't matter if the machines/capitalism/patriarchy/anger/etc win. because as long as we're free, no one can take that away. real freedom is internal and real freedom is untouchable.
this world makes us afraid of each other, afraid of ourselves. we distrust strangers, simply because we do not know them. to open up, attempt connection, embark on conversation- we open ourselves up to the potential of misunderstanding, of cruelty, of obligation.
when we embark on conversation with strangers, we open up the possibility that the person will become significant somehow. perhaps we'll find we have something in common, perhaps we'll disagree. either way- there is an obligation that comes with the acknowledgment that one is more than another random face on the street. when ANYONE becomes SOMEONE- suddenly we care a bit about what happens to them. we become emotionally obligated to care.
in earlier times- conversing with strangers would have been a norm. it would have been a basic fact of daily life. but today, in our world of anonymous computerized grocery store checkouts, constant handheld communication devices interfering with opportunities to interact with people immediately around us, and rampant fear of anything unknown or different- life can be lonely and terrifying.
talking to strangers is nothing short of revolutionary.
i've blogged with this title more than once. but it really IS like throwing up, only it takes way longer and is in some ways more uncomfortable. i finished a piece i've been working on for the last couple months. and suddenly a great weight has been lifted. it's really done. well... it's not done done cuz i still have to do all those little finishing touch type things and it will be turned into a zine so i still have to do that and make copies and all that. but the hardest part is over. all that mental wrestling and worrying and trying to get the words right- that part is done. i think now that perhaps my emotional strife of recent weeks is largely due to this writing project. cuz suddenly i feel way better.
it's totally like throwing up. i heave and some words come out on the page... i think i'm done, but there are still dry heaves happening- false starts and lots of staring at the screen doing nothing. then another productive heave, then nothing for awhile. and then, just like when you're done throwing up- you just sort of know that it's over. you said what you had to say and it's all done now. you can move on, brush your teeth, go back to bed, tomorrow's a new day.
thanks to the veterans, i had today off. my paycheck is gonna suck, but i'm definitely enjoying today.
i thought i was just angry. turns out there was a lot more to it.
i reached a point sometime in the last couple years, where i'm realizing how messed up i am from my 32 years of being socialized to behave/think/feel in certain ways because i am female. that's great. i figured out that i've been lied to and manipulated my entire life. so- now what? once the egg cracks open, where does the baby bird go, if not back into the same frustrating world?